A long long time ago, in an apartment not too far from …somewhere. it was realised that both I and Christopher, the flatmate, had never seen Star Wars. Not the original trilogy, not the prequels, not the holiday special, not one single film. Craig was ever so disappointed.
Okay, okay, I saw The Phantom Menace in 1999 when it was released but I really do not think that counts.
Someone, somewhere, sent me the link to this post which breaks down the different ways you can watch the saga. Most people choose between Release Order (the order the films were shown in the cinema) or Episode Order (apparently the way George Lucas intends, starting with Episode I and going straight through to Episode VI).
Then there is their alternate suggestion, which I have taken to calling the “straight narrative” order. You watch the Saga thus: IV, V, I, II, III, VI.
In this order just as Luke (SPOILER ALERT) finds out that Darth Vader is his father, wondering what turned him to the Dark Side, you flick back to the story of how Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vader and back to the ‘present’ to finish with Return of the Jedi, as Lucas intended.
(The site truly recommends ‘Machete’ order which misses Episode I entirely but I wanted to watch it for Queen Amidala’s outfits. Truth.)
Somehow it was decided we would watch them all in 2012.
How we got from watching them all in a YEAR to watching them all over the EASTER BREAK I will never understand. But we did it. Six movies in … I think it was actually 3 days. I do not recommend it.
To keep myself amused and, honestly, awake through all 797 minutes of the saga – I’m not even kidding with that, I did the maths – I ‘live tweeted’ the event.
Here are a few of my favourites.
Episode IV: A New Hope
8:25pm Why did I think Darth Vader didn’t really speak? He’s going on and on and on.
8:30pm Craig thinks we are watching the special edition. I think the dudes in the hoods look like demonic monks.
8:45pm Me: these robots don’t look very futuristic. Craig: that’s because it’s the past #longlongtimeago
8:56pm Huh. I thought Vader was in control. I didn’t expect him to be taking orders. Perplexing.
9:01pm I’d forgotten all about Han Solo!
9:45pm “only a master of evil, Darth” aka ‘pfft, you’re not even a real master, egg’.
10:35pm Verdict on Star Wars IV: long. Sound made on discovering it’s the shortest of the six movies: SIGH.
Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
10:37pm Craig on Episode V: he goes to Hoth to visit Yoda. Chris and I: oh, that’s right! Yoda’s in these!
11:11pm What is with the weird new storm troopers? I find their smooth faces unnerving.
11:17pm Why couldn’t they just give R2-D2 subtitles? It would save a lot of clunky expository lines.
11:23pm Oh. Yoda. I just … No.
12:01am Chewbacca always sounds so sad. I find it distressing.
Episode I: A Phantom Menace
12:44pm Ewan McGregor’s hair is just The Worst. Liam Neeson’s is not much better.
12:46pm Little known fact: Jedi can hold their breath for a long time. Apparently.
12:49pm I wish current royalty had to dress like Queen Amidala. It would make it all so much more interesting #fiercefashion.
12:51pm Oop. There is Jar Jar Binks. The most reviled character in the series, or so it seems. I get that.
1:34pm So Anakin has no father. Are we supposed to believe it’s human parthenogenesis or a Jesus analogy? #ridic
Episode II: Attack of the Clones
12:04pm Watching Attack of the Clones. So annoyed Jar Jar is in this one too #hateful
12:09pm “don’t forget, she’s a politician & they’re not to be trusted” Obi Wan #truth
12:47pm I doubt it will ever seem normal to have kiwi accents as Jango and Boba Fett #incongruous
12:50pm “you are in my very soul. Tormenting me” Anakin has so many Feelings! #GROAN
(we took a break for several hours)
7:38pm Oh god. Still have 5 hours of Star Wars to watch.
7:54pm Anakin is a whiny little bitch in II. Actually … reminds me of Luke in IV
7:54pm Rolling my eyes so hard. I think I might strain something.
8:20pm SERIOUSLY? NatPort loses JUST enough of her shirt in the battle to have a crop top? Oh! She lost a sleeve too #totesplausible
8:23pm Laughed at R2-D2 pulling off C3PO’s head. Groaned at “this is a drag” & “I’m beside myself” #worstscriptever
8:28pm They do not seem to have dialled back the “engrish” accents of the trade federation delegates since Episode I #embarrassed.
8:37pm Yoda flipping and twisting around Christopher Lee makes my eyes hurt. From all the rolling.
8:43pm 1. Golden skeleton hand, really? & 2. Least romantic wedding kiss ever. But really: GOLDEN SKELETON HAND!?!
Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
8:45pm General Grevious turned out to be evil. Who’d a thunk it?
8:54pm A robot with a cough? I call bullshit. Also, I am half disappointed the golden skele-hand has been replaced with a glove.
8:59pm There are a lot more laughts in Revenge of the Sith. And it seems as if quite a few of them are even intentional.
9:48pm Oh, Ewan McGregor and your quippy quips. #swoon
9:52pm They sure do need to twirl a lot with their light sabres.
9:56pm “Power! Unlimited Power!” Palpatine being even more obvious than usual.
9:58pm Just like that he is christened Darth Vader and seems to be breathing heavier already. Evil is apparently hard on the lungs.
10:16pm The Dark Side: hard on the lungs and the eyes, terrible for the skin. I am officially too vain for the dark side.
10:39pm Endlessly amused by Obi Wan’s “it’s too late! I have the higher ground!” #soliteral
10:47pm Darth Vader is definitely the most fashion forward of all the Star Wars characters #fierce
Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
7:45pm TONIGHT! IT ENDS! Return of the Jedi has just begun.
7:47pm Ahh! Hahaha! I forgot about the oversized helmets! How very Balenciaga.
7:49pm Again! I forget he is not The Great and Powerful Vader but just an imposing minion Vader. So disappointing.
7:56pm This alien pop star malarkey is … embarrassing. Apparently tis from the remastered version. Damn Lucas.
8:03pm “who are you?” “someone who loves you” and people say the prequels are poorly scripted!
8:05pm It is an impressive gold bikini, I will give y’all that.
8:18pm I mean, there is VERY LITTLE to that bikini #pandering
8:20pm I do like the Imperial March! I will give them that.
8:27pm YODA DIES? What?
8:27pm (I always found him a bit creepy)
8:29pm Poor Luke. Finding out Leia is his twin AFTER seeing the gold bikini.
8:46pm It’s a hat. YOU’RE WEARING ONE TOO #sillyewok
9:01pm This scene between Luke & Leia is … so bad. So very very bad. Natalie and Hayden bad.
9:13pm “it is pointless to resist, my son” “but the chase is half the fun” #sexystarwars
9:15pm The tiny catholic in me (help!) can’t help but respond “and also with you” whenever I hear “may the force be with you”
9:24pm My wine is gone! How will I make it through the rest of this movie?
9:38pm Oh you have GOT to be kidding me. THAT is how it ends with the Emperor? What a cliché.
9:42pm The back of the Millennium Falcon makes me want an Oreo. Or an icecream sandwich.
9:45pm Partying and pan pipes all over the star wars universe #baller
9:47pm IT’S OVER! Thank everything. It is OVER. I never have to do that ever ever ever again.
P.s. to my eternal shame, I must admit that Revenge of the Sith was my favourite of the saga.