So. I have some news.

So. Here’s the thing. I have been going through A Time recently. I think I’m ready to tell you about it now. I wasn’t going to. But then … this website has been part of my life for so long.

Pretty pretty peonies

At the heart of things, I’ve been struggling with this for years. Unfortunately it’s only in the past few months where everything has up and fallen in line, leaving me standing here with my realisation and a big fat “oh.” on my face.

I’m gay. Like… quite gay.

Yea, I know. Believe me, I know. I know. It was a surprise to me too.

I’ve never ever been straight, I knew that, everyone knew that, but I’ve also had Craig since I was 16 so I guess I just never actually got to see which way my heart was headed. He was my best friend, he still is my best friend, and for 13 years that was … almost enough.

Earlier this year I was going through a ‘bad brain’ time and all of a sudden thought “well, maybe I’m gay” and then everything over the past two, maybe three years fell into line and I saw exactly the path that lead me here.

I would give pretty much anything to have realised this at 18, or 22, or 28. But also not. I don’t regret the time I’ve had with Craig. Not even a little bit. I loved him, I still do love him. He has been, and will remain, one of the most important parts of my life. He is one of the absolute best people I know.

But yes, Craig and I are separating.

When I told Craig he held my hand while I talked and held my head when I cried and was the most supportive person you can imagine.

It’s been the strangest few weeks. First there was talking with my counsellor, then there was telling Craig, then our families, our friends. And then after that comes the internet.

My mother’s immediate & panicky response to hearing that I have news was “What‽ I’m not prepared for news!”

But, you know, not one single person, upon hearing ‘the news’, has been anything other than amazing and supportive. To me and to Craig. We have an astounding group of people in my life and I am entirely thankful for all of them.

Craig and I are not rushing anything. He is still one of the most important people in my life and I hate that any of this has hurt him. We are moving forward together as friends and I am always trying to be mindful of and kind to him. And vice versa.

I used to think I was just a deeply unhappy person. It turns out that I was just doing a pretty good job of lying to myself. Being true to who I am has been such a weight off my shoulders.

I’m not lying to myself anymore.

photo.JPG

Advertisements

11 comments

  1. Anna · October 14, 2013

    Kia kaha Sarah-Rose, from a long-time reader.

  2. Coley Tangerina · October 14, 2013

    You are so brave and clever and special and I am proud to know you. I am here anytime. Also cat cuddles if you bring allergy meds x

  3. sarahforlyfe · October 14, 2013

    YOu are so brave and absolutely amazing. You deserve nothing but happiness – love and hugs ❤

  4. Corin · October 15, 2013

    I’m not really sure what to say, but your post made me want to un-lurk and let you know that I think you are so brave to face this!

  5. hungryandfrozen · October 15, 2013

    One more pair of ❤ ❤ just for good measure.

  6. katinedinburgh · October 15, 2013

    Love you so much boo.

  7. cateowen · October 15, 2013

    You are amazing and brave! I wish you both every happiness.

  8. Gem Wilder · October 15, 2013

    Sending you massive internet friend love right now. And also, gratitude, which might seem weird. When people are brave enough to write about their Big Things it just makes it so much easier for me to process my own Big Things. It is – comforting? reassuring? neither of those sit quite right – to know that someone else has gone through it, is going through it. So, thank you. Thank you so much for writing about this and letting us in on what is a very personal experience. You are helping other people right now, and that is amazing. You are amazing.

  9. Sarah · October 15, 2013

    I haven’t met you in person yet, but I’ve been following you online for quite some time now (and my friends know you!). But I still felt immensely proud of you when I read this. You are so brave for being able to finally accept who you really are and talk it through with your most understanding “soul mate” (as I see him).
    Well done. The hard part is over and it’s all up from here xx

  10. Carma Bailey · October 15, 2013

    As someone who doesn’t really know you, but greatly admires you, my heart both simultaneously breaks for you and cheers for you. What a brave step you have just taken. I hope that it all works out for you. Hugs from an internet stranger.

  11. Pete · October 15, 2013

    From a long time reader and lurker, who after reading your blogpost then ran across this link on the BBC website – ‘REGRETS OF THE DYING’
    http://www.inspirationandchai.com/Regrets-of-the-Dying.html
    Number one .. ‘I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me’
    You’ve absolutely done the right thing for you and your partner. Of the five top regrets, two others are:
    3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
    5. I wish that I had let myself be happier
    So, even though you may wish you’d reached this point earlier, you’ve made a huge decision that will hopefully make both your lives happy and fulfilling – and no regrets!
    A hopefully not creepy message from another internet stranger .. I will continue to enjoy your blog.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s