Cold Dead Heart.

Bad Ass

On Sunday night I was wincing around the apartment with my newly-tattooed thigh. Every time I sucked breath in through my teeth Craig would look over at my and say “oh, poor baby”*

Me: gah, don’t say that!
Craig: what? why?
Me: don’t feel sorry for me! It’s my own damn fault.
Craig: … I don’t feel sorry for you. It’s called COMPASSION.
Me: … oh.
Craig: hmmmm.
Me: … no wonder I didn’t recognise it?

This probably says more about me than I would care to admit.

*yes, I know, hush, it’s the cutest

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#starwarsvirgin

catholic

A long long time ago, in an apartment not too far from …somewhere. it was realised that both I and Christopher, the flatmate, had never seen Star Wars. Not the original trilogy, not the prequels, not the holiday special, not one single film. Craig was ever so disappointed.

Okay, okay, I saw The Phantom Menace in 1999 when it was released but I really do not think that counts.

Someone, somewhere, sent me the link to this post which breaks down the different ways you can watch the saga. Most people choose between Release Order (the order the films were shown in the cinema) or Episode Order (apparently the way George Lucas intends, starting with Episode I and going straight through to Episode VI).

Then there is their alternate suggestion, which I have taken to calling the “straight narrative” order. You watch the Saga thus: IV, V, I, II, III, VI.

In this order just as Luke (SPOILER ALERT) finds out that Darth Vader is his father, wondering what turned him to the Dark Side, you flick back to the story of how Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vader and back to the ‘present’ to finish with Return of the Jedi, as Lucas intended.

(The site truly recommends ‘Machete’ order which misses Episode I entirely but I wanted to watch it for Queen Amidala’s outfits. Truth.)

Somehow it was decided we would watch them all in 2012.
How we got from watching them all in a YEAR to watching them all over the EASTER BREAK I will never understand. But we did it. Six movies in … I think it was actually 3 days. I do not recommend it.

To keep myself amused and, honestly, awake through all 797 minutes of the saga – I’m not even kidding with that, I did the maths – I ‘live tweeted’ the event.

Here are a few of my favourites.

Episode IV: A New Hope

8:25pm Why did I think Darth Vader didn’t really speak? He’s going on and on and on.

8:30pm Craig thinks we are watching the special edition. I think the dudes in the hoods look like demonic monks.

8:45pm Me: these robots don’t look very futuristic. Craig: that’s because it’s the past #longlongtimeago

8:56pm Huh. I thought Vader was in control. I didn’t expect him to be taking orders. Perplexing.

9:01pm I’d forgotten all about Han Solo!

9:45pm “only a master of evil, Darth” aka ‘pfft, you’re not even a real master, egg’.

10:35pm Verdict on Star Wars IV: long. Sound made on discovering it’s the shortest of the six movies: SIGH.

Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

10:37pm Craig on Episode V: he goes to Hoth to visit Yoda. Chris and I: oh, that’s right! Yoda’s in these!

11:11pm What is with the weird new storm troopers? I find their smooth faces unnerving.

11:17pm Why couldn’t they just give R2-D2 subtitles? It would save a lot of clunky expository lines.

11:23pm Oh. Yoda. I just … No.

12:01am Chewbacca always sounds so sad. I find it distressing.

Episode I: A Phantom Menace

12:44pm Ewan McGregor’s hair is just The Worst. Liam Neeson’s is not much better.

12:46pm Little known fact: Jedi can hold their breath for a long time. Apparently.

12:49pm I wish current royalty had to dress like Queen Amidala. It would make it all so much more interesting #fiercefashion.

12:51pm Oop. There is Jar Jar Binks. The most reviled character in the series, or so it seems. I get that.

1:34pm So Anakin has no father. Are we supposed to believe it’s human parthenogenesis or a Jesus analogy? #ridic

Episode II: Attack of the Clones

12:04pm Watching Attack of the Clones. So annoyed Jar Jar is in this one too #hateful

12:09pm “don’t forget, she’s a politician & they’re not to be trusted” Obi Wan #truth

12:47pm I doubt it will ever seem normal to have kiwi accents as Jango and Boba Fett #incongruous

12:50pm “you are in my very soul. Tormenting me” Anakin has so many Feelings! #GROAN

(we took a break for several hours)

7:38pm Oh god. Still have 5 hours of Star Wars to watch.

7:54pm Anakin is a whiny little bitch in II. Actually … reminds me of Luke in IV

7:54pm Rolling my eyes so hard. I think I might strain something.

8:20pm SERIOUSLY? NatPort loses JUST enough of her shirt in the battle to have a crop top? Oh! She lost a sleeve too #totesplausible

8:23pm Laughed at R2-D2 pulling off C3PO’s head. Groaned at “this is a drag” & “I’m beside myself” #worstscriptever

8:28pm They do not seem to have dialled back the “engrish” accents of the trade federation delegates since Episode I #embarrassed.

8:37pm Yoda flipping and twisting around Christopher Lee makes my eyes hurt. From all the rolling.

8:43pm 1. Golden skeleton hand, really? & 2. Least romantic wedding kiss ever. But really: GOLDEN SKELETON HAND!?!

Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

8:45pm General Grevious turned out to be evil. Who’d a thunk it?

8:54pm A robot with a cough? I call bullshit. Also, I am half disappointed the golden skele-hand has been replaced with a glove.

8:59pm There are a lot more laughts in Revenge of the Sith. And it seems as if quite a few of them are even intentional.

9:48pm Oh, Ewan McGregor and your quippy quips. #swoon

9:52pm They sure do need to twirl a lot with their light sabres.

9:56pm “Power! Unlimited Power!” Palpatine being even more obvious than usual.

9:58pm Just like that he is christened Darth Vader and seems to be breathing heavier already. Evil is apparently hard on the lungs.

10:16pm The Dark Side: hard on the lungs and the eyes, terrible for the skin. I am officially too vain for the dark side.

10:39pm Endlessly amused by Obi Wan’s “it’s too late! I have the higher ground!” #soliteral

10:47pm Darth Vader is definitely the most fashion forward of all the Star Wars characters #fierce

Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

7:45pm TONIGHT! IT ENDS! Return of the Jedi has just begun.

7:47pm Ahh! Hahaha! I forgot about the oversized helmets! How very Balenciaga.

7:49pm Again! I forget he is not The Great and Powerful Vader but just an imposing minion Vader. So disappointing.

7:56pm This alien pop star malarkey is … embarrassing. Apparently tis from the remastered version. Damn Lucas.

8:03pm “who are you?” “someone who loves you” and people say the prequels are poorly scripted!

8:05pm It is an impressive gold bikini, I will give y’all that.

8:18pm I mean, there is VERY LITTLE to that bikini #pandering

8:20pm I do like the Imperial March! I will give them that.

8:27pm YODA DIES? What?

8:27pm (I always found him a bit creepy)

8:29pm Poor Luke. Finding out Leia is his twin AFTER seeing the gold bikini.

8:43pm Ewok!

8:46pm It’s a hat. YOU’RE WEARING ONE TOO #sillyewok

9:01pm This scene between Luke & Leia is … so bad. So very very bad. Natalie and Hayden bad.

9:13pm “it is pointless to resist, my son” “but the chase is half the fun” #sexystarwars

9:15pm The tiny catholic in me (help!) can’t help but respond “and also with you” whenever I hear “may the force be with you”

9:24pm My wine is gone! How will I make it through the rest of this movie?

9:38pm Oh you have GOT to be kidding me. THAT is how it ends with the Emperor? What a cliché.

9:42pm The back of the Millennium Falcon makes me want an Oreo. Or an icecream sandwich.

9:45pm Partying and pan pipes all over the star wars universe #baller

9:47pm IT’S OVER! Thank everything. It is OVER. I never have to do that ever ever ever again.

P.s. to my eternal shame, I must admit that Revenge of the Sith was my favourite of the saga.

I promise, he’s not suicidal.

We’ve had a lot of torrential rain recently. And one of the wonderful wonderful foibles of Park Place and the bushy surrounds is clogged guttering and … small animals … and … actually, I don’t know.
All I know that after serious rainfall Craig gets his handy-man on.

Craig: I’m going out on the roof.
Sarah-Rose: Okay.
Craig: If I’m not back in 15 minutes …
Sarah-Rose: Come and look for you?
Craig: Yes. And if I’m not on the roof?
Sarah-Rose: … yea?
Craig: Look faster.

A conversation between flatmates

Friday: Getting stuff ready for my tattoo consultation

Me: Oh, I’m so excited! I get my new tattoo on Wednesday!
FlatMate: oh, really? what’re you getting?
Me: Haven’t I tol- I’m getting words across my back.
FM: What words?
Craig: Yea, it’ll be W A R D S in big letters.
Me & FM: Huh?
Craig: That would’ve been funnier if I could spell.

So adorable. I love him a lot. Even if he has trouble spelling words.

One Flesh by Fiona Samuel

One Flesh by Fiona Samuel

A conversation between Craig and I during my first read through of One Flesh.
And that’s about all I have to say about that for now.

Except to note that the play has been vetted by the Pastor of the church in which we are due to perform. The script has had the worst of the swearing removed but apparently tits are a-ok by the Lord.

Not feeling very bloggy …

To: Sarah-Rose
From: Craig
I felt bad about making you walk home tonight so I got you a present, but you’ll have to wait till I get home till you know what it is,
mwhaa haha.

To: Craig
From: Sarah-Rose
You are so cute. And evil. Which is also soooo cute.

A Conversation with a Co-Worker

A coworker sidled up to me:

CW: I think you have a Secret
Me: What?
CW: I think, and I’m not the only person in the office who thinks this, that you have a secret.
Me: Bu-
CW: don’t worry, it’s a happy secret!
Me: but I don’t have a secret ?
CW: No, no, that you DO have a secret
Me: I don’t think I do … what do you think it is?
CW: Hmm. I’ll disperse clues
Me: Ah! No!

I’m thinking, naturally, oh christ they think I’m pregnant. Damn. But before I can interrogate, said Co-Worker slinked off to one of the other offices and returned a few minutes later:

CW: Do you want a clue?
Me: Yes! Please!
CW: It involves …. restraints.

And then the Co-Worker just walks away. Leaving me furrowed brow and confused lips at my desk.

I’m pretty sure that more than one person in this darling little office thinks I’m in to BDSM.

(thankfully I find this amusing)

Note: I think this has to do with my prediliction for dark jewellery, pencil skirts, and vertiginous heels. I’m not swanning about in leather with handcuffs hanging next to my ID card or anything. In case you wondered.

Craig almost fell over

Late Sunday night

Me: I think I want to start running.
Craig: What? you mean like you want to get a treadmill?
Me: No. I think outside in the big wide world.
Craig: … uh ok?
Me: I think I might like it! I really like the jogging on Wii Fit* and yea. I think I might like jogging outside too.
Craig: … maybe. Are you serious?
Me: Yea! but I think I need to start with a sports bra. And some running shoes.
Craig: Baby, any time you want to go shopping for sports shoes, I am there!

So yes. Maybe? I might start running. It depends how expensive the gear is. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s spending money on an activity I’m not sure that I will enjoy.
But you know, maybe a new years resolution or something.

* Don’t mock. I’ve lost 13kg doing Wii Fit this year.